Fragile Moments

I started reading "Truck: A Love Story" by this guy Michael Perry expecting a rather humorous tour of what happens when a guy with not too much knowledge and a whole lot of passion tries to revive his International L120. I have been pleasantly surprised to find that this is one component of the book, but woven throughout is a reverence for human relationships and the changing of the seasons. Gardening provides a secondary story line that accomodates these themes in the subtext. He bookends a chapter with the story of Sarah's tomatoes. Big, yellow, Amish, heirloom tomatoes which she sought out at the source and raised indoors in anticipation of spring. Spring came and she went, the victim of a car crash, only 7 weeks a newlywed with the author's brother. The author harvested the seeds and maintains the line in her memory and ends the chapter discussing his brother's reaction to this loss, his attempts to help him, the brother's eventual return to living in the world and Sarah's mother's role in bringing him to his second wife. Perry freely admits that tears flow often as he considers his garden and its attachments. This isn't really what I expected from a guy who admits early in the book to liking where he lives because he can leave a broken washing machine in the front yard as long as he wants.

I guess that first paragraph has turned into a bit of a digression but I am going to leave it alone since I don't mind giving Perry's book a little advertising and it leads in the direction I hoped to go with this. Our trip to America from our home in Germany is now heading toward sundown. Dinner and dessert will be fabulous: we are still looking forward to the return of all three of my sisters-in-law and a couple of husbands for a delayed Christmas morning. This will be followed by many visitors including the author and cast of "Expectant Waiting" which is one of several blogs I read and find myself occasionally wishing I could just call the author up and have a normal conversation.

After nine expatriate months followed by a few weeks at home, the themes in Truck are occupying a lot of my emotional space and causing a little pressure in the salt water holding tanks behind my eyes. Ellis met the remaining unmet grandparents and all four great-grandparents and we are approaching the end of a year that saw us move to a foreign country and become parents while my sister survived cancer on this side of the Atlantic. We have a lot to be grateful for this year as it ends with everyone healthy and able to get back to the farm for the holidays.

So, why don't we recognize and embrace it better? We will look back on these few weeks as happy times and hopefully will not be forced to remember them as the last time anyone was with us. Yet, somehow, I feel myself not enjoying them enough now and I can see the others also missing some of what we have here. Why isn't it enough to hunt together, make music together, make meals together? These are the fragile moments. Ellis will never be this age again. He won't rediscover his hands and eventually he will stop doing his public tongue acrobatics. And, there is the sad chance, that was brought home this year with my sister's illness, that we could lose someone.

All of this, the new baby, life in Germany, needing to move my career in a new direction, makes me feel the need to make some new year's resolutions. It seems like a silly thing on one hand, but I also see that we are missing things everyday.

Brown, No Red

I ended my abbreviated deer hunting season yesterday. I saw 7 or 8 deer but didn't have a good shot at any of them. The tree stand I was hunting from had slightly overgrown trees around it which limited my ability to shoot in some directions and the deer seemed to know this. A little buck came through in the morning but kept obstructions between us the whole time he was in range. Then 2 nice does came through on the same side and also managed to keep the obstructions in my way. They were so close, that when one came to a thin spot in the branches I decided to try and "thread the needle" but only connected with a tree branch which sent my shot off course. Off to my other side I had excellent shooting lanes but a deer never showed up over there. We moved to hunt the last hour in a new place and I scared up three more deer in the forest there, but because I didn't know the area, I was too quick, my hunting partners weren't yet in position and none of us got a chance.

The time in the woods was nice and I did see a lot of wildlife including, hawks, kestrels, fox squirrels, red squirrels, bunnies, and wild turkeys. The others in the group also saw a bunch of quail which was nice. Since deer hunting involves a lot of sitting around and that means time to think, I often find myself getting a little crazy and anxious when I am deer hunting, but this year I managed better. Maybe it was the large amount of time off of work to unwind, who knows? Getting to hunt did make me miss home all the more.

"If it's brown, it's down."

A few weeks back, I posted about missing the opener of deer season in Michigan. This afternoon, I will get out for the first time in Indiana, the first time with a muzzleloader and for the first time with my father-in-law. We will also be joined by a friend of Mike's who knows the land owners. With three guns in the field, we are hopeful that we will get at least one.

Being that it is the two last days of the season, we will be operating according to the edict in the title of the post. As long as the deer is of reasonable size and we have a reasonable shot, then we take it. Often this edict applies on opening day and at the end of the season. Opening day, we are looking to get meat in the freezer while the deer are still active. After opening day, assuming there is meat in the freezer, we usually hunt antlers and then the last couple of days we reduce our standards if a second deer wasn't taken during the part of the season when we were hunting antlers. Since we have three tags and Mike's first deer was a little torn up, if it's brown, it's down.

An update, hopefully with pictures of deer, will go up tomorrow.

America vs. Germany

In her post, Rachel referred to the perspective we now have as temporarily repatriated expatriates. I agree with her that I do feel more at ease and like things are more possible here in the USA. This is partially due to being back in a country where my first language is the preferred language, but it is also the fact that things just move quicker here. Here are a few impressions as I look back from America on our first piece in Germany.

Living over seas has put some things about America in very sharp relief such as the urban sprawl, American consumerism and the general unworldliness of many Americans. After living in Germany long enough for the culture to "soak in" and develop a consistent impression, it is easy to see why Europeans believe what they do about Americans. Driving through town, you see homes with so many lights turned on that they can't possibly be using them all. The vehicles are indeed huge here by comparison-I have coworkers who are content with 75 horse power.
Very few Americans make any effort to live in a foreign country or learn a foreign language and for many it isn't even possible. This creates the impression that Americans don't much care about anyone else which was heightened by our unilateral plunge into Iraq. Add to this the European impression of our President as equal parts fundamentalist pastor, frat boy, Yosemite Sam and idealogue, and it becomes hard to plausibly deny this impression. Since more than half of us reelected him after a four year trial, why should a European not feel free to think we are more than half a bubble off?

Most Americans aspire to have homes larger than what a German would even consider practical. Our 1300 sq. ft. flat is a bit extravagant by German standards. A home the size of the farm house, consuming energy in proportion, while occupied by only two, would be offensive to most German sensibilities. While the Germans are more environmentally conscious, there is also a bit of arrogance around this and also a bit of zealotry and misinformation. For example, while everyone seperates their trash, many municipalities end up recombining it and dumping it into landfills because the few who don't sort are enough to prevent using the refuse as an input to a recycling process.

Surprisingly, even as an economic end-user, the differences in the German and American economies are very apparent. I am a believer that the American economy may be approaching one of the possible end states of a capitalist system that will result in the destruction of the American middle class. The German economy is set up in a way that will prevent this, but they pay an outrageous price for it and a severe economic downturn could pull down the social welfare state. Furthermore, one gets the feeling that it is very rare for someone to fall very far behind their neighbors, but they can't get ahead either. More on this in a later post.

The Germans are also highly phobic around issues of firearms and are quite comfortable with the laws that make ownership difficult, open you up to random searches and large fees if you do own, and completely bar carrying. So, when they hear about a shooting here they are completely flabbergasted by the fact that Americans persist in owning guns. This is an area where the Germans fail to understand the deep roots of gun ownership in America, how many guns are available in America and that European style gun control would be unacceptable to many Americans including those on the left. This is also an area where Germans, like those involved in the American gun control debate (both sides) fail to aspire to understand the available data. They are ideologues in this area. I have been told on several occasions by Germans, "But, if I come home drunk and get angry with my wife, I can't shoot her, because I am not allowed to have a gun." I always say, "But you could stab her, hit her with a rolling pin, run her over with the car." But they see a purpose for the knife, rolling pin and car that they don't see for the gun. For a German, a gun is for killing.

Of course, the fact that America is home, is one of the big positives for us. Many of the conveniences of shopping anytime you want and cheap gas feel really nice. Americans, have much more freedom than the Germans. We have more product choices and can engage in many activities (gun ownership, hunting, fishing, building a home, modifying your car, seeking a better car insurance deal...) that are expressly prohibited or require high fees and taxes for a German. In a more personal vein, we also simply feel more at ease here in the States, like we can let our guard down. In Germany there was always a feeling that some new and difficult-to-deal-with thing could pop up and cause us difficulty or financial loss.

Looking over this post, it seems like I have a lot of negative stuff to say about America, and I suppose I do, but I feel like when I move back it is time to become more involved in repairing America. I am beginning to believe that we can learn things from the German way of government that could be helpful without fully embracing their system with its many problems and I also believe that it is time for real reform to the manner in which we govern and maintain our economy. Maybe I will post on this topic yet during the trip.

back in the habit of "thanks" instead of "danke"

Here we have four generations of Scheks

We've been back in the States for about a week now and Germany feels a million miles away to me. Trey and I have both noticed feeling much more at ease being back in our own country and own language. It just feels like we have more possibilities here and are more able to get things done. On the other hand, we've also noticed just how terrible suburban sprawl is here and I've completely lost my ability to navigate a big box store (more than one brand and style of diaper? how can I possible choose?). More notes on our temporary repatriation will undoubtly follow.

Hanging out with Aunt Lindsey

We spent the better part of last week in Ann Arbor where we stayed with Trey's cousin. They were excellent hosts providing tasty meals, clean towels, a comfy bed, a bedside bowl of midnight snacks, and roadside assistance when our wheel fell off. What more could we ask? Ellis met his paternal grand parents, 2 great-grandparents, Aunt Lindsey, and many more exteneded family members.

And with Aunt Kellie

The Wheels Have Come Off

The rough chronology of events is as follows: In the afternoon, I thought I could detect a slight thumping wump-wump-wump at certain speeds, but it disappeared as soon as I heard it, so I figured a stick had gone up in the wheel well and made some racket. This evening, driving home from visiting with friends, I heard a slightly louder WUMP-WUMP and immediately the left front corner dropped a couple of inches. Rachel hollered, "What in the hell are you doing?" and I replied, "losing control of the truck, apparently." Then the truck's front left dropped several more inches and sparks began to come up as high as the driver's side window. I managed to get it stopped and off of the road and said to Rachel what was obvious, "sweetie, the wheel has come off."

I left Rachel and Ellis in the car, headlights on/hazards on, and headed down N. Territorial to get my cousin to give me a hand. Thankfully, we were close because I couldn't get cell phone reception. The cousin and I went down and rounded up Rachel and the baby and took them home and then headed out to find the wayward tire in the dark and attempt some sort of maneuver that would avoid calling a wrecker.

We found the tire mercifully quickly in a briar patch and extracted it. By inspeciting the mark left in the road we were able to estimate the point at which the truck and wheel seperated and this gave us a place to start looking. We noticed evidence that the disk brakes/hub and stayed inside the wheel for 4-6 revolutions after the studs had left their mating holes in the wheel. This was responisble for the two step drop that we experienced as the wheel fell off in stages.

It took several tries to find an arrangement of the two jacks suitable to raise the truck, now sitting on soft, freshly plowed earth, but we managed to get the tire back on. The cops showed up, of course, but were helpful, situating their car such that they shielded us from traffic. Before remounting the tire, we had to use the tire iron to clean a bushel of dirt out of the brakes and suspension. The lug nuts were, of course, long gone so we stole one from each of the other wheels and managed to limp her the 500 yards to our cousin's drive. The wheel still wasn't mounted straight for this short journey, but we got there. The next morning I was able to clean out the dirt, check the brakes and remount the wheel.

Thankfully, no one was hurt. Ellis slept through it entirely. (Not just the initial wheel falling off and the underside slamming into the pavement, but also waiting in the car with mom, transfering his car seat to the other car, the ride home and being carried into the house.) Also no cars were coming the other way so no one got clobbered by our tire run amok.

Of course we are wondering how something so crazy could have happened. Since Rachel's father is so careful about such things and always uses an impact to put on tires, it seems likely that recently when a mechanic in Iowa worked on the truck he took off a tire for some reason and failed to get it on right. Alternatively, some vandal thinking he would be funny could have fooled with our lug nuts. Of course this is an outrageously dangerous thing to do, but it could have happened. I suppose it is also possible that having lived in Ann Arbor for 30 years, I have enemies here who couldn't afford polonium.

Considering my family history in such situations you might wonder how I coped. In fact, the cousin that was helping was also the cousin that watched my dad jack up a car and pull the bumper off and get so angry he threatened to drive it into the lake. He was 19 and a new member of the family back then. Now he has three kids, two in college and its 20 years later. There was a small pond on the road side where we were working on the car and I have to admit, I thought about exclaiming, "I have had it with this goddamned piece of shit, get out of my f---ing way I am driving it into that m---er f---ing pond." Not seriously, just for old time's sake. But I didn't. I tell this part of the story for those of you who come from slightly nuts families or worry about turning into one of your parents. I have come full circle and am now living proof that it is indeed possible to break the cycle.

The Midwest Sinks In

We have been here for a little over 24 hours now and the ease of home is starting to sink in. I did some hunting with the dog and got some fresh air on a sunny and warm December day down here at the farm, inhaled the comforting farm smells and read a few Garrison Keillor essays to really drive home the midwestern vibe.

The fact that I could call the Michigan Secretary of State office and immediately speak to an English speaker was indeed luxurious. While listening to the phone ring, I found myself rehearsing my speech in my head, as I often do in Germany, in preparation for the miscommunication that is about to ensue. Twice at the airport, I had to catch myself to prevent German from coming out of my mouth as I prepared to speak to someone.

If I get nothing else from our German period, it will be an appreciation for how hard it is to be a foreigner and how tough it must be to permanently leave home for a supposed better life. We are fortunate to have our home in the place with the better life. The ease of just speaking in my native language has also lit a fire under me to improve my German faster. In January, I will start taking the course offered by the institute and hopefully make a little time to study and more time to practice speaking.

Being around family has reminded me of several good stories from Germany that I have failed to post. Here is a language one: One coworker is preparing for a typical German holiday to Africa and we were discussing what he hopes to do. Turns out, he really wants to see some gorillas and he has a good chance of being able to do so. The funny thing is, he pronounces gorillas with a soft "g" sound as though it is spelled "jarilla". He speaks excellent English, which makes it even a little funnier, because it sounds really out of place. Try it out loud in the following, "After we get done on Kilimanjaro, we will have a short safari and I really hope I can see some jarillas in their native habitat." Now didn't it make you smile a little bit?

On the ground

We are here. By here, I mean America at the farm. Ellis was very good for the flight. We are tired but all well. Scout made it safe and sound and has already put up a pheasant for me...which I missed.

Pretty soon, we will put up a few pictures. We can't wait to see everyone.

Quick updates

Obviously we aren't getting as many posts up lately. More or less, this is because we have so much going on that we don't have any time to really write about any of it. So, here are some quick updates.

My job: Things are well. I am settling the paper work for my fellowship and my projects have expanded again to include studies on some different molecules and a secondary role in the projects of others who would like to use my techniques. My boss has decided to hire another post-doc who has proposed a different type of experiment using the instrument I will build next year. I am feeling a tinge territorial about this, but this guy is good and will be a good partner and another engineer with whom I can discuss technicalities. Such a person doesn't really exist at a biological institute. We got the budget for the instrument for next year and were told we can have almost that much more this year, so the next day or two before heading home will be a spending spree. Also, some of you remember me mentioning doing some DNA work. That has been going on in the background and seems to have been successful.

Rachel's job: Rachel continues to do writing work and look for new ways to work from home. She has been working writing test preperation manuals for teacher recertification exams for quite some time. The company has asked her to coordinate a large one on physics. Like a lot of writing jobs and non-traditional types of work, getting started doing technical writing from home takes a lot of pounding the pavement and doing small jobs as they come. I am proud of how tenacious and successful she has been in this area and thankful that it can bring in some extra income while she does her main job: staying home and taking good care of Ellis.

Visitors: Bridget and Silas took off for Ireland a week or so ago after a nice visit. Rachel's cousin Lindy is here now for her final visit (sniff) before she returns to So. Cal. after her study abroad semester in Scotland. We are having fun and trying reacquaint her with her midwestern roots. She is sooooo Californified. Lindy on the craziness that is Southern California, "I am so glad I was born in northern California, otherwise I would be a freak."

Christmas Markets: I personally have been to two more: the one in Heidelberg and one in a small town north of here called Ladenburg which boasts certifiable history back to A.D. 98. My opinion: gluhwein is good, better with rum. Lindy had her first flammkuchen at Ladenburg today and seemed to like it a lot. I had a little. It was good.

Trip Home: Started packing today. Got a lot of presents to bring home. We have been putting the pooch in her kennel for a bit everyday to get her accustomed to it. Now that the trip is closer and work is going well, I am really looking forward to getting home, seeing everyone, hunting a little and getting Ellis to meet everyone he should meet.

Ellis: Well you saw the six month post. Obviously, he is doing really well. He had his next vaccination yesterday and gets better everyday at getting up into a crawling position.

I have lots of ideas for things I would like to post about like recent news, how I feel about the first six months of fatherhood, a real evaluation of our first nine months in Germany, more about trying to learn German, mental health issues, goals for the next bit in Germany and how long we might be staying and who knows what else. So if you stick around you can expect some posts that aren't just baby pics, if you like that sort of thing. If you really come back for baby pics, well, those will be here too. We will try to post while we are in the U.S. at least a few times. I hope we see many of you in the next weeks.

t minus 5 days

We are working on preparations for our trip to the US. I'm sorry to say we are both freaking out a bit about it. Even after we manage to get Christmas shopping finished, everything jammed into suitcases, and the three of us plus the dog at the airport and checked-in, we are still facing an 8 hour flight with a six month old. Yup, it's gonna be awesome! I know we will manage, but I'd really prefer some sort of Alien-style travel where you are placed in suspended animation for the duration of your trip. Stupid United/Lufthansa doesn't offer anything remotely like that. Honestly, what amenities will the airlines slash next?

Preparations are going fine, though. Trey took Scout to the vet for her pre-flight health certification, which went fine. The vet assured us that getting dogs into the US is quite easy and that Scout looked very healthy. Tomorrow Ellis goes to the pediatrician for his pre-flight health certification, er, second round of vaccination. He was pretty crabby for almost a week last time, so I hope he's less sensitive to it this go-round. Lindy arrived last night (yeah!) and we are hoping to head down to the Christmas Market today. I must concentrate on finishing up my shopping, though, and minimize the sausage and gluhwein consumption. Lindy may not know it, but I have plans to make her a pack animal for my purchases, or at least my child.

6 Months-Naked Babyzilla

Ellis was 6 months old this afternoon, so it is time for the update.
Height: 25"
Weight: about 20 lbs.

With Christmas coming, Ellis wants you to know a few other measurements. For dress shirts he needs a 10" neck and 10" sleeve. For pants his waist is 13" and inseam is 7.5". Because of the diaper, he requests a roomy seat. With such tight restrictions, he figures you probably will need to have them tailored, in which case you might want to consider that he dresses to the right.

The sixth month has been a big one:

Teeth: He had his first fever preceding his first and second teeth which have just broken the surface.
Mobility:He has figured out how to roll over and does it lickety-split when not wearing a cloth diaper which seems to make matters more difficult. He isn't mobile yet, but he can push up on his hands or get his rear up in the air, but not both together. Just tonight, during his six month photo shoot, he managed to get himself in a crawling position with the back of the couch behind his feet. He can inch backwards very slowly on his back which means he cannot be left on any surface.
Motor Skills: Getting better everyday. He can even reach out and touch the furry patch in his feely barnyard book without you having to help him. He is also sitting up well and can right himself from pretty big excursions from upright. He still tips over if he gets too excited.
General Appearance: The hair is really growing now. The eyes are staying blue and his skin, which was a bit darker at birth, now appears to be tending toward his mother's coloring.
Hobbies: Looking around and seeing things. Inspecting his fingers very carefully. Blowing through pursed lips to make "engine" noises. Kicking mama and papa in the belly when it is time to get up in the morning. Putting a foot in his mouth, literally.
Favorite Outfit: Nothing. It's breathable, doesn't bind and gets clean with you in the shower. Man, does this kid love being nude. When he has no clothes on, his mannerisms totally change. He giggles and moves with jerky motions like a crappy-special-effect-produced-japanese-movie-monster. Watch out for naked babyzilla, wreaking havoc with pee.

less than 2 weeks til we see you!

We're headed back to the states a week from Wednesday. And in case we're all too jet lagged, here's some proof that Ellis is in a good mood sometimes.

Saxony and Everything After

This week I made my first foray into the former East Germany to visit the Max Planck Institute and learn some new software that was developed there that will speed up my own work. The trip started with a cab ride to the train station, then a train to Frankfurt and finally the high speed intercity express train across into Dresden. My buddy from the Max Planck was waiting for me at the train station and we saw a little of the town on the tram ride to his place where we had a quick supper and then dug into learning the software. The second day was spent primarily at the institute working with the software which I was excited about, but I will spare you the details.

I did see a bit of Dresden as we headed to lunch to meet with the guy commericializing the software. It is easy to see that the town is in flux and trying to grow out of its former self. After the end of the Communist era Dresden lost a whopping 20% of its population which can be seen in the low demand for housing and its therefore low cost. Quite a lot of the city wasn't bombed (although some of it was incinerated) so there are some very beautiful houses and a castle on the hill above the Elbe built in the 1800s by a mouthwash baron. But, that was about all I got to see. They did make me promise to return with the baby for a proper sight seeing visit.

On Thursday after work, we headed back to the apartment for dinner and a rousing game of Settler's of Catan, which my buddy won, just barely with a lucky draw from the development card pile. For those of you who might care to know, he got the road building card and a victory point allowing him to take the longest road card from his wife and eek up to ten points.

That same night I was also informed that I had been selected to receive one of the fellowships I had applied for. You might remember from a previous post that this sort of fellowship is the kind that pays my salary freeing up money in my lab for other things. It won't give me a raise, but it is a feather in my cap, means I can stay at EMBL for at least 2 more years and is a good confidence builder after the struggle to publish my last paper and the letter from the other agency saying they would have funded me if the other paper had been out.

Friday morning it was straight to the train station. It was a beautiful foggy morning and the sun was still very low in the sky at 8 am when we pulled out of Dresden. The farm fields of Saxony reminded me a lot of home, especially rural Michigan where the farm land is mixed with woodlot and swamp. I saw several herds of roe deer, many hares and a huge flock of geese breakfasting in the fields.

I finally made it home at 3:30 after taking the regional train to Bammental. Rachel and Bridget tried to meet me at the station but we missed each other. Ellis was excited to see me and I got a good look at tooth number 1 which was just joined by tooth number 2 today. While I was playing with him, I had the following conversation with my hilarious wife:

Me: So was there any new progress on the crawling while I was gone?
Wife: Oh yeah, he just started going all over the place while you were away. And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon....